"Step on the crack and break the devil's back!"

That's what I was told growing up in Los Angeles.

I remember saying to the teacher "Well no wonder the devil hates us if everyone keeps breaking his back!"...my teacher nodded politely.

Once I realised it was a figure of speech, I began to wonder if other parts of America had the same phrase.

Was it "Step on the crack and the Jabberwocky gives you five bucks," in Rhode Island...

or "Step on the crack and a cockroach hails you a cab," in New York?

All these things are good but in England it's the opposite.

"Don't step on the cracks daddy!" says Max as we walk down the street.

"Why's that?" I say.

"Because bears will come out!" growls Max.

"Bears?" I say

"Yes daddy...big brown bears and they have claws!" says Max with an even louder growl.

"What will happen if they come out?" I say with minor dramatic concern.

"You'll be eaten up unless you step on their claws!" says Max.

"But what if it was a polar bear?" I say.

"Then you step on his tooth daddy!" says Max.

"Well now I know," I say.

It wasn't over of course.

"If it was a whale bear...

 you step on it's tail,"...

"and if it was a lion bear...

you step on his head..."

"and if was a ghost bear..."

"Well what?" I say waiting with baited breath.

"Tricked you daddy! They're not real bears! Silly,"says Max

So I say "What about Pandas?".

"No daddy. Panda's eat plants and are nice," says an unimpressed Max.

I'd obiviously gone too far...


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Max's incredible true story of Thanksgiving...

"So Max," I say. "Your mommy and I have decided to throw you a Thanksgiving tea party for you and your friends."

"Oh thank you daddy!" cries Max. "What's Thanksgiving?"

 I explain to Max what Thanksgiving is about, the turkey, pumpkin pie and the story of the pilgrims.

 Max was very excited.

 So I say "Max, what decorations do you want for your Thanksgiving party?".

 "Well daddy, I actually want swords and bows and arrows for the children at my party," says Max.

"Well Max, that's not really things to do with Thanksgiving. You see...,".

"But daddy! The children need to dress as cowboys and knights! And we need to make the sitting room a castle," Max says cutting me off. "What do you think of that?"

"It's a nice idea but it's not Thanksgiving. How about we draw pumpkins and turkeys!" I say swiftly changing the subject before it descends into the lunacy that is a three year old's mind.

"That's a great idea! We can draw turkeys and pumpkins and cowboys and knights and whale sharks!"

 I'm too late...

"Why whale sharks?" I say.

"Because the knights rode on them daddy!"Says Max like I'm a fool for not knowing that.

 "They went to America on them but it was dangerous because there was pirates!"

"What happened then?"

"The pirates were killed!"

"Eaten by the whale sharks?" I say.

"No daddy! Silly. They eat fish not pirates," says Max. "The knights killed them and went to where the cowboys are in America."

"Of course they did," I say thinking that was the end of it. I was so wrong.

"The cowboys were scared actually daddy."

 "Scared of the knights?" I ask.

"No daddy. They were scared because the witches and monsters wanted their sweeties."

"But it was fine because the knights chased them away and the cowboys weren't scared anymore!"

Trying to salvage a glimmer of Thanksgiving I say "So the cowboys had Thanksgiving food with the knights right?". Fuel to the fire.

"Yes daddy. They had turkey and pumpkin pie and leaf cake,".

"Leaf cake?" I ask.

"Yes daddy, lots and lots of leafs!" cries Max.

 "Then the cowboys and knights made Halloween pumpkins and drew turkeys with their hands..."

 "Then the knights made the cowboys build them a castle," says Max.

 "A castle?" I say wondering where this is going.

"The knights lived in the castle but then the cowboys killed them," Max says quite cheerfully.

 "Poor knights" I say trying to keep a straight face.

 "Yes daddy, first there was knights..."

 "then dinosaurs..."

 "then cowboys..."

 "then space rangers..."

 "then humans..."

 "then gone!"

"Everyone gone?" I ask after hearing the new history of the world.

"Yes daddy. Then we have turkey and dress as knights and cowboys! What do you think of that?"

"Sounds awesome" I say...


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